Talking sex with your kid: A chat with Dr. Karen Rayne - Part II

We're still rolling along!

Part two of my chat with Dr. Karen Rayne continues below. You'll also find a chance to win a copy of a free book! Just keep on reading.

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Me: Your blog is very straightforward and you pull no punches (I LOVE that!). Do you find that many parents are frightened by such frank discussion?

KR: Oh yes. [laughing]. I’ve had parents and even teachers tell me that I recommend talking [about sex] too early. But my response is really that if you find your kid really doesn’t know what you’re talking about or is really freaked out about it, then you stop. You have the pleasure of working exclusively as a parent with your child so you have a better sense of your children than I do. But children know far more than we give them credit for.

I teach a couple middle school classes right now and some of the parents came to me in the beginning of the classes and said, “You know, my kid is so naive. Some of your content areas, I don’t even think my kid will know those words.”

So I always say “Oh, thank you so much for letting me know that. I’ll be sure to introduce it gently and very slowly.” And then I get the kid in the seat and it’s like a whole different person. I mean, they have questions! And they want to know the answers to them. But they do not feel like they can go to their parents.

Some topics are hard topics. Date rape. Abortion. A whole wide range of STDs and the fact that you can easily have one and not have any symptoms. These are all things that you really need to know by the time you’re in 8th or 9th grade. Regardless of where you are or whether or not you’re engaging in any kind of sexual activity.

I mean I had a middle-schooler ask me what a nipple was. This kid was 13, 14 years old. Everybody has nipples; we should all know what they are. But the other side of that is this child was listening to really intense rap music with very sexually damaging and derogatory lyrics about very painful situations. And so it’s this balance again of lack of knowledge combined with kind of an extreme exposure to sexuality and sexualization through the media.


Me: Are there good books that parents can use to supplement their teaching?

KR: I love Body Drama by Nancy Amanda Redd, it’s just great. It’s for girls who are looking for specific information about specific parts of the body, like how to keep your nails clean, your face clean. Very basic things. I haven’t really found something equivalent for boys.

Heather Corina who runs Scarlet Teen wrote a book called S.E.X:The-All-You-Need-to-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You through High School and College. I think it’s a great book for a 16-year-old.

And in terms of books for preteens you’ve got the sort of all-about-puberty books like the What’s Happening to Me? books for boys and girls. The Body Book for Girls, and anything else in the American Girl line of puberty books.


Me: Some of us began having sex discussions with our kids when they were young because they asked questions. But now that they’re older, they prefer to discuss things with their peers. How can we keep the lines of communication open as they get older? Should we just push books and websites or should we still try to reach out?

KR: Absolutely still reach out. Never stop trying to reach out. That is what makes such a big difference. Even if your kid isn’t talking with you, you still need to keep that conversational door open; which is really hard to do. I’ve had parents come in and say “You know, I try to go in once a week to talk, and the conversation is entirely one sided and I hate it. It’s exhausting!

But here’s the thing. The perception of those conversations can be very different. The parent may have the perception of being ignored or getting rejected. Whereas the kid can have the perception of “Wow, Mom keeps coming in with these really interesting ideas questions and thoughts and I don’t really know what to say, so I don’t really say anything but what interesting ideas she’s giving me.


Me: So they do still hear us, even if they seem not to want to be bothered. They are listening?

KR: Right. So it’s not something that we should drive down their throats. But it’s something that’s important to keep bringing up in ways that feel comfortable to you even if they don’t seem like they’re comfortable to your child. Sure, it’s very hard to do but it’s your responsibility to do because it’s your child.

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Thanks again, Karen for giving us so much to think about and so much to work with when it comes to talking to our kids about sex.

In honor of Karen's good advice, I'm giving away a free copy of the What's Happening to Me? (winner can choose the book for boys or girls). Enter to win in the comments section by March 23rd The winner will be chosen by Random.org and announced in the comments section.